I am not a failure~

 I have been caught in a downward spiral of some sort.  Thinking of myself as a failure instead of a star.  I have put extra baggage on myself trying to be the person I thought I should be instead of the person God intended me to be.  I am a good friend and a great mother.  I wanted nothing more than to have babies and teach them the things I don't remember being taught or remember doing.  

My past is a blur, parts of it are missing and I can't remember my mom teaching me things that would prepare me for the future.  Somehow I made it tho.  Somehow I moved through life with the knowledge of right and wrong and empathy and sympathy.  I thank my dad for a lot of my compassion for people and pets.  He endured a lot in his childhood and became a wonderful person despite his hard times.  I will take that part of my dad and move forward.

I need to stop being so hard on myself.  I have thought about my education and my lifestyle.  I sometimes would get upset that I didn't go as far as I should in being what I really thought I should be.  I went to nursing school because I thought my mom would be proud for following her footsteps.  I didn't like nursing school.  It scared me and I couldn't think more about getting out and finding my next purpose.  I then went to x-ray school because I thought I would become what my Aunt Jeannie was.  I didn't like x-ray school.  It also scared me.  I hated being a part of peoples personal lives.  

I worked at the hospital and endured more scary moments.  I wanted to move up in my job, but I also didn't like being responsible for peoples lives and the outcome of their tests.  I loved with fear again of failure and didn't like that feeling.  

I moved on and worked for GE and taught people how to work on MRI equipment.  Once again I felt inadequate in my knowledge of MRI.  I feel like I get by...by the seat of my pants.  I continued my career in MRI at North Suburban.  I worked with Sally, she always had a chip on her shoulder and I hated going into work somedays cause I know she would be in a bad mood.  I think somehow I must have come in to that hospital and stepped on toes.  For that I am very sorry to the people that didn't like me from the start.  

I am so done with doing things that don't make me happy.  For doing things for others because I wanted their approval.  I need to, at this ripe age of 61, do the things that make me happy and want to live full of life, my life, not someone elses. 

From this day forward I will be the best gram and teacher to my granddaughter.  I will teach her songs and play with her and teach her all I know about being kind to animals and strangers.  I will let my past be just that...my past.  I will take those feelings and lessons and turn them into teaching moments, that's all.  I refuse to live in fear.  I will succeed in my 60's.  It's a time to renewal and being reborn.

I pray for my friends with breast cancer.  I pray for their success.  Christine, Jeanna, Mama Sue, Bethany, Jackie, Michelle, Jody, Kelly, Laurie, Kym and so forth.  I will no longer wish bad things to happen to good people because I was mad that they seemed to be moving on through their journey and I was somehow stuck.  I only with the best for them.  I know how it feels and it's not good.  

I pray for my mom.  I guess deep down some of her subliminal messages got through, and for that I am so thankful.  Continue to be with mom in person and in spirit.  Continue to teach through your little, crumpled body, and continue to be an inspiration to us and your grandkids.

And...dad, I miss you daily and will always appreciate the kindness you taught me.  Your love towards others will always be imprinted in my mind.  I love you so much.  Thanks for being proud of my in all my endeavors.