What if~

 

I went to bed last night with a headache and I woke up this morning with one.  3 advil , 1 decongestant and 2 1/2 cups of coffee it is slowly fading.  I was angry last night.  Angry at my husband for saying things about how sensitive I am and how I take things to seriously.  I hate that.  I am the way I am. 

I  don't sleep like I wish I did.  I get warm, I toss and turn, I have to go potty, I think, I overthink and I dream.  Last night I had a dream about my parents.  They were alive and well and getting ready to sell their house.  I was trying on clothes from Kristin's closet.  It was a vivid dream and I love seeing my parents in my dreams without Alzheimers.  

The dream prompted me to think about the what ifs.  What if mom and dad didn't have Alzheimers and we were able to have Christmas at their house like we have always done in the past years.  We would gather at their house, make some wonderful smelling foods and play games.  It would be an amazing day...like the past.  What if this covid crap never happened.  Would the economy still be climbing and Trump still be in office?  The covid crap has caused many people to lose their jobs and schools to shut their doors and families to not see each other.  What is the lesson we are learning from this?  Be thankful and grateful for what we had, what we have and what we will have in the future?  

What if the vaccine isn't the answer to the problem.  What if the vaccine brings a whole other set of problems.  What if one by one this virus kills the entire population...yikes!!!

This Christmas season brings me to the what ifs about life now and the future.  No wonder I have a headache.  Today I will make a turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and thaw a pecan pie.  Drew and Hannah will join us and we will celebrate Sunday.  Brent was exposed to covid at his office so he and Noelle will not be joining us.  Today is the 20th of December.  Christmas is in 5 days.  I will see mom and dad on Tuesday and sing carols with them.  Music comes back to them.  This makes me happy.

My thoughts are all over the place, just trying to figure out my life.  I guess it's ok to wonder, but I need to trust that the life I am living right now is the life I am living.  Every hard day, every headache, every off comment from my husband and every difficult moment is right.  I will embrace the difficult and I will embrace the JOY.  

The last Christmas at their house.  I miss the celebrations.

December 2017